It’s that time of year again. Some people are scrambling to buy their special someone something special for Valentine’s Day and fearing they have no clue what that might be. Panic!
Take a breath, step back, sit down.
Love is many things, comes in many forms, and changes as much as we do.
Let’s start at the beginning as there are many facets to your love and romantic life.
First Contact
Who was your first love or crush? Was it in elementary school? (Mine was in Grade 6 and he was also my first kiss!). Thinking back to that time, what attracted you to this person? What set your heart pattering when you saw them walk by, or stopped to talk to you (if you didn’t faint, that is).
Did the “thing” that caught your eye about this person continue as you got older? Was it the same characteristic, tone of voice, sense of humor, looks, intelligence, money that you looked for in future partners? If it changed, do you remember when that was and why?
And how did you know it was love and not just infatuation? The dictionary describes each this way:
Love: an intense feeling of deep attraction.
Infatuation: an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.
I think we can all agree that we’ve experienced both at various times in our lives. Or you may have only experienced one. It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference, until you do.
Lessons Learned
What do you look for today in a partner? What catches your eye? Do you have a checklist of qualities that you’d like to have met? Is there a strict list of red flags that you avoid, even if the person “seems” interesting? How much do you trust in your gut? Trusting your gut is important. Feeling that little “ting” when something is a bit off, when a comment is made or action taken.
How did you meet your current partner? My husband and I met on a blind date, set up by two best friends. One worked with me and one with him, and they thought we would get along well. I was thirty-five and terrified of meeting someone new as I was comfortable with my life at the time. Being nervous never goes away!
What was the most romantic date you’ve ever been on? Do you have an unmovable view of what romance is? Some people consider helping around the house to be the most romantic gesture a partner can show. Others will settle for nothing less than flowers, expensive restaurants, and jewelry. How do you work to romance alive in your relationship? In my opinion, surprising your partner “just because” is the best. Take over a task when they seem exhausted. Massage when they’ve been standing on their feet all day. Keeping the kids away for twenty minutes so they can have a quick nap. It all adds up!
Are you comfortable in a relationship where the romance has waned but companionship and trust are what binds you together? How romantic is it to know that your partner is there through thick and thin and has your back? Priceless. Sometimes being friends first and then romantic later is the perfect evolution.
The Flip Side of Love
Do you remember the worst breakup you’ve experienced? Sit with that for a few minutes and remember how it came about. What have you learned from it? (Remember, you don’t have to share this with anyone, but it’s interesting to see how these events affected/are affecting your life now.)
How do you handle arguments and differences of opinion? Has the way you communicate changed over the years? Are you able to talk about anything and everything?
Tech, Cultures and Parents
Have you ever met someone online? Why did you think to try that and how did it go? Would you do it again or suggest it to someone you care about? Why or why not?
Have you ever dated or married someone from another culture? How did you meet and what difficulties, if any, did you both face? How did you overcome them?
Did your parents show love towards each other? My parents used to dance in the kitchen to big band music. My dad would swoop in while mom was cooking, twirl her around and dip her. It was both embarrassing to us kids, but also left a warm lump in our hearts. What did you learn from watching your parents (this could also be negative as well, sadly)? Have you been influenced by family, friends, or media as to what you should believe romance and love to be?
Love changes, it shifts with the years and the life experiences we are faced with. And love needs work – from both sides! All the best going forward!
Your Turn
- Make a list of all the partners you’ve had and indicate what initially attracted you to them and what led to the breakup (if you did breakup).
- What is the most romantic thing you’ve done for your partner?
- What have you learned through your life to make love more realistic?